Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.