Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.