Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.