Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK