Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]