Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
not seeing the problem
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Just parrot things
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I like crazy people until they notice me
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.