Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?