Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
guys I’m going home
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy