Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
i dont have time for this
Batman v Dracula
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I put the mess in domestic.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.