@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

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@TheHatdog

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

@KatieKatCubs

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

@graceupongracie

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@BitterOldPunk

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

@liljonlovitz

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@NikiWithIssues

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

@sacca

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]