Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
IT’S-A ME,
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.