Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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Me: Same.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd