Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.