Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
we all know this pain all too well
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists