Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?