@Gupton68

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

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@OrdinaryAlso

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@DirtMcTurd

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

@pattonoswalt

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

@Cognitive_Diss

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@IHideFromMyKids

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

@SlabBaconBP

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.