Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”


SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??


I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it


Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?


Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.


Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?


Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”


Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.


Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.