Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”