@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

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@ddsmidt

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

@LostFelicia

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

@KentWGraham

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@JessObsess

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

@RichardDawkins

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@Swain_Train47

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

@omically

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.