Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.