Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right