Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I needed a laugh this morning.