MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
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Bros before Ohioes
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?