@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

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@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

@Urr_kah

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

@thedad

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

@CalmTomb

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

@_davidlucas_

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

@L8yK8y

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

@mrjohndarby

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

@CyrusOMerican

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.