MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz


I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.


Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk


BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern


Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.



My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.


I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.


check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot


[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.