Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
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Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’m crying im so happy for them
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined