#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Always 🥴
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?