Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.