@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

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@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@ericamorecambe

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

@MissHavisham

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

@OfficeofSteve

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

@friedmanjon

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

@LlamaInaTux

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

@MoistPork

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

@zoeklar

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…