Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Perfect
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Thursday
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me recordaron éste meme
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”