marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
your honor my client chooses dare
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.