Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood