Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
This is true.
But I really needed water water water
ugh not again
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am