*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
new career option?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word