Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?


My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.


You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.


I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”


If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)


[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*


Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.


him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.


Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”