Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely