Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”