Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend