In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Seek kebab; not attention
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.