Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.


I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again


Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”


Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!


Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?


A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.


Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes