Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.