Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I drew y’all a little something.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*