Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it