Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.