[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.