Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.