Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
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GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?