Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.