Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.