mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.


How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet


Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.


richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn


Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok


[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus


Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.


Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.