mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.