Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames