@AlexvanBeek

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

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@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@MommaUnfiltered

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

@SarcasticSadOne

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@AngieDavisHaha

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.