Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.