Mary Poppins: 馃幎A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down馃幎
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you鈥檙e a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don鈥檛.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If I鈥檝e learned anything from this year, it鈥檚 that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I keep a survival log when I鈥檓 forced to fast before bloodwork鈥o yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Relationship status: It鈥檚 not complicated I鈥檓 just an idiot
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don鈥檛 tempt me kid.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that鈥檚 how they fuel their spaceships?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant鈥檚 food is good
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?