Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
#Caturday
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.