Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
synchronized noseblowing
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.