[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
i like to flex on them by shrugging
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
my proudest tweet
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!