[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Love this one 😂🧟
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me