[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
You Might Also Like
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
water it, i dare you
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”