[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Guys, I found it.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.