[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
You Might Also Like
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.