Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You Might Also Like
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
this post was so formative to me
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I didn’t come here to be called names
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
#NoRestForTheWicked
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet